Managing "Family Issues" at Christmas

As we close in on these last few days before Christmas, I thought I'd offer up some very practical solutions for combating family holiday stress. Christmas can be quite the tense situation when extended families that may never spend time together throughout the year find themselves coming together because it's Christmas. When you face the prospect of socializing with those that do not understand you or even necessarily agree with you, there can be tension.

If you've been around our blog any time at all, you know that our family is not very conventional and we are in the minority in many of our choices within the family (and society, for that matter!). Homeschooling, our reformed theology, courtship, our growing family size, and our traditional and literal view of the Bible are just a few of the many things that can cause some conflict with our extended family. Many of them don't understand, many of them disagree, and a few of them like to tell us about it when we get together.

Here are a few ways we handle this to keep our blood pressure in check and to make a difficult situation more enjoyable...

1) If we are asked a question from someone with a genuine interest in why we do what we do, we answer gladly and with as much detail as the person would like. If, on the other hand, we are asked a question with the purpose of being mocked or in a disagreeable way, we answer very minimally and do not engage in an 'argument' about the issue. We've even been known to tell the person to contact us after Christmas if they want to have the discussion because the gathering is for fellowship and fun rather than the forum for a debate.

2) Do NOT allow any family member to commandeer your holiday for any reason! When making our Christmas plans, we consider the needs of our children first. We won't overbook our schedule, we won't accept invitations to parties and such that will keep them up past their bedtimes, and we won't let our children graze through sugar laden snacks and drinks just to keep peace. We learned a long time ago that we need to do what is best for us and if that causes some temper tantrums in the extended family, so be it. If we can work out a visit or a party that fits the needs of our children - considering mostly the littlest children with naps, bedtimes and such - then we will do it and do it gladly. If not, we offer our regrets with disappointment but without guilt. If our children get sick and are overly tired because we are trying to make everyone happy, then no one is happy and that's just not a fun filled Christmas for any of us!

3) Inappropriate gifts. We handle this several ways. We've explained to our children that if they get an inappropriate gift, they are to accept it gladly and thank the giver. Most likely, the gift was given with the best of intentions by someone who may not know or understand why we wouldn't approve. Later we will return it for something else or give it away if necessary without making the giver feel bad about it. Most of our children are old enough to understand this social grace but there have been times when the little ones blurt out the blunder of the giver in complete innocence which can make for an awkward moment. I usually 'shush' the big mouth child and thank the giver myself and leave it at that. On rare occasions, we have a prickly family member that will give our children things that they know we won't approve of just to get a rise out of us or to make a statement that they feel our children are deprived of this or that. If you find yourself in that situation, don't take the bait! I will graciously thank the giver and then, if it's someone on Mr. P's side of the family he will talk to them at a later time about this issue. If it's someone on my side of the family, I will talk to them. This system has worked very well for us.

4) Needling children with questions. We get this a LOT! When we go to family events, people want to ask Flibby why she's not going to college most of all. That's the hot topic for us right now. But, we've also had people ask the children in-depth questions about what we are covering in school... "testing" them, if you will, to see if they are learning.

"So, do you have a boyfriend?" We also get this question all the time directed at Flibby and Poppy mostly, but it has been asked of the little ones too. That one tires me the most.

Of course, before we find ourselves in this situation, we have briefed our children on the appropriate and gracious answers to give. One particular response that has worked well for us is, "You'll have to ask my father about that." The children use this response when faced with unsavory questions about why their parents require them to do or not do 'x, y, or z'. My children won't engage an adult in a debate about the 'why' of our convictions. We learned a long time ago that this is a road to real conflict. If the person wants to question the decisions we've made for our family and our convictions over these decisions, they need to take it up with the head of our family, Mr. P... who is quite capable of putting someone in their rightful place with grace. It's his gift! (and he's had a lot of practice! ~wink~)

5) There are always some in every family... those family members that live in a way that doesn't please the Lord. We, of course, don't want our children exposed to profanity, immorality, substance abuse or the like and that can be touchy when such family members are going to be present at your gatherings. This is especially important to us with our younger children. We don't want to be forced to explain very adult topics to them before it's time. As these situations have cropped up, we have chosen not to put ourselves in the situation. We won't attend a function if someone is going to be there that presents this type of problem for us. It's been a tough stance that has caused friction, but it is what's best for our innocent children and we will protect their innocence against such attacks. That's the bottom line.

6) When faced with a family member that wants to 'fix' us or to educate us on the error of our ways, we utilize the "Smile, nod and back away" approach. If at all possible, we don't engage in a debate over the issue. We just let the person say what's on his mind and graciously listen even though we obviously don't agree. There's no need to be 'right' over the Christmas goose at the dinner table. If there is a real problem between us that needs to be discussed or debated, we will wait for another time. Christmas gatherings are not the time... and we've been known to say that to a relative or two on occasion.

For us, our holiday gatherings still contain stress because we know we are going to face some, if not all, of these issues. We are an island in a sea of family members that do not agree and/or understand us and that can be hard. But, by deciding well in advance what we will and won't do in certain situations, our stress levels are greatly reduced. It is a shame it has to be this way and I wish every member of my family was saved and loved the Lord but we won't have that perfection on this side of heaven. In the meantime, we allow the Lord to purify us and refine us in the furnace of trials big and small. In the 'big picture' Christmas gatherings with extended family are small trials, but they can put a damper on our joy. Don't let that happen! Set boundaries and have a Christmas filled with joy and peace never forgetting the Reason we celebrate!

Merry Christmas!