Excuse me, your slip is showing

Summer - which happens to be my favorite time of year - is not without its perils. Assaults, to be more precise. Assaults of a visual nature to be even more precise.

May I be blunt?

Put some clothes on, ladies!

I am embarrassed for women that don't know their slip is showing - if only they were actually wearing slips. They are humiliating themselves and they don't know it. Someone please tell them. My family discourages me from doing so. I've had some experience in this area and it never goes well. You can imagine.

Recently, I took my children, in the middle of the day, on a weekday, to the mall. Wow. My eyes were almost seared out of my head. I thought I had stumbled onto the set of an "adult movie" production. My girls were embarrassed and appalled. I was thankful my son wasn't with me... and I realize I can no longer take him to the mall. Ever.

In one upscale department store, Cindy Lou whispered, "Look at that woman's SHIRT!" I looked over at the woman and said, "What shirt?" The woman did not have a shirt on... she had a loin cloth making a vain attempt at covering her no doubt surgically enhanced chest. I turned to Flibby and said, "I can't even see her face for the two bald headed gentlemen trying to escape from her "shirt"!'

Oops, did I say that out loud?

My friends, it's not just the mall. It's in the church too. I recently attended a church service where the girl in front of me was wearing a mini-dress and the only things holding this twelve inches of mini-dress in the critical places were two criss-crossed sequined straps across her back. Oh my.

So, for all you young (and not so young) ladies that are in desperate need of some fashion advice... this is for you. I am going to do a little walk through lesson of what is considered proper attire and what is not. You will learn, you will enjoy, you will be riveted. Let's begin.

This, ladies, is a lovely little number, perfect for vacuuming, baking bread and visiting with your neighbor over the garden fence. It is a timeless classic that speaks poise, grace and beauty. You can't go wrong with this one.

For being out about town, this is the dress for you. Can't you just see yourself gliding up and down the Publix aisles in this delightful outfit? Oh, I would certainly be glad to see you if you did!
For a casual luncheon with friends or a more formal outfit for evening, these dresses fit the bill! Dress them up or dress them down, you can never go wrong with a simple but beautiful wrap. This dress is a must for every lady's wardrobe!
Now let's discuss the clothing items one should always avoid, shall we?

Ladies, please, stay far away from these ridiculous garments people attempt to call shorts. The term 'shorts' is a bit of an understatement, wouldn't you agree? These shorts don't have enough fabric to cover the backside of an anorexic mosquito. Therefore, we can safely assume they won't cover our backsides either, can't we?This, my friends, is sold under the inaccurate title of "skirt". Whose skirt? Thumbelina's?
This "top" doesn't cover your top, therefore, it's not a "top". It might be good for drying off your hamster after a bath, but "top"... no, definitely not one of those.
Tsk, tsk, tsk... someone needs to get a spanking for buying (designing, marketing, and selling) this 'piece of clothing'. And, I use that term loosely.I realize, of course, that some of you are just now realizing your fashion faux pas and you are not in the financial position to toss all these less than appropriate pieces of clothing in lieu of the lovely dress examples I have given you. Might I suggest adding this to your wardrobe in the meantime.This garment covers a multitude of sins, if you know what I mean.

In conclusion, ladies, we want to leave a little something to the imagination. OK, a lot of somethings, actually. It's not attractive to let your slip show.

No matter what Mr. Abercrombie and Mr. Fitch tell you.