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Wrestling with God

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's not fair. Sometimes the Lord's will is excruciatingly painful. In those times I have difficultly saying, "Not my will but Yours, Lord." I'm in that place right now. My sweet and dear friend, Colleen, is in a battle for her life and my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces. Not her, Lord! Not Colleen! She doesn't deserve this. She's so good. She's so faithful. She's your servant. Visit this affliction on someone else. Someone evil. Someone bad. Someone You don't love.

Someone I don't love.

I never said my heart or my thoughts were pretty.

Colleen has breast cancer. She's been battling it for three years but this last year has been hard. Hard is really a soft word for the physical pain and anguish she's experiencing. It has spread to her bones and her liver. Her body doesn't react to medications very well so she always struggles to find a medication that can relieve her pain and nausea.

It's so hard to watch my friend suffering.

It's so hard for her four little girls to watch their mommy suffering.

It's so hard for her husband, our pastor, to watch her suffering.

It's so hard for our church assembly to watch her suffering.

It's so hard.

When I'm praying for Colleen every minute of every day, I start out godly and righteous sounding. I pray for the Lord to heal her. I pray for her comfort and the comfort of all of us who love her. I pray for the Lord to use this trial for His glory. And, I mean all that. In my head. But, then I quickly digress into, "Don't do this! Don't do this, Lord! Do. Not. Do. This. To. Colleen. You can't! You shouldn't! It's not right! No! No! NO!"

I'm wrestling with the Lord. Kicking against the goads. I ashamed to admit it but there it is.

Colleen is my dear, sweet friend. I want her to live. I want her to laugh again. I don't want to see sorrow on the faces of her children. Of her husband. Of her church family. Or on mine.

My faith is being tried in the Refiner's fire and that's never a pleasant experience. But, I know it is good because everything the Lord does is good. Even this. Even though it's bringing us to our knees and shattering our hearts into a thousand pieces. Even this is for our good and His glory. And at the end of my wrestling and kicking, I bow my knee to the sovereignty of God and I continue to faithfully pray for healing, for comfort, for deliverance from this trial... but, most of all that the Lord's will be done.

Please pray for my dear friend, Colleen. She is in the hospital today having surgery on her chemo port. Pray for her comfort and the comfort of those that love her.

There are lots of us.


Talley Images said...

Cancer is so amazingly hard to watch...

I recently started reading this blog... maybe it will help you too


Robin in New Jersey said...

I am so sorry about your friend. I will pray for her and her family and your heart. I so know what you mean about being angry and "yelling" at God, "NO, NO, NO." Been there, done that, many times over the last year and a half. I have to keep reminding myself, HE knows the future...

Blessings to you and yours.

Anonymous said...

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God."
Romans 8:28

"I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel,"
Philipians 1:12

"In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,"
Ephesians 1:11